Small Sanctuary: Lessons From The Way to Love (Part 1)
How to love without letting attachment get in the way
What gets in the way of love? Is there just one obstacle that prevents us from loving others fully?
Jesuit priest Anthony De Mello said there is. In his final book, ‘The Way to Love’, he wrote about the path to genuine love and the obstacle of attachment that gets in the way.
It’s a brilliant and concise read. I’ve read it four times, and every time it feels like a different book. The first time, I could barely comprehend it. Now that I have more practice, it makes more sense.
In this post, I’ll discuss how beliefs and attachments influence love and happiness, with lessons from The Way to Love to illustrate each point.
1. Choose Fulfillment Over Self-Glorification
“Recall the kind of feeling you have when someone praises you, when you are approved, accepted and applauded. And contrast that with the kind of feeling that arises within you when you look at the sunset or the sunrise or Nature in general, or when you read a book or watch a movie that you thoroughly enjoy…Understand that the first type of feeling comes from self-glorification, self-promotion. It is a worldly feeling. The second comes from self-fulfillment, a soul feeling.”
He opens the book with a passage describing the two types of pleasurable feelings. Glorifying yourself with accomplishments or praise makes you feel superior to others. We tend to become addicted to these shallow feelings of pleasure.
He then shared a story that illustrates the empty, soulless life of chasing self-gratification: “A group of tourists sits in a bus that is passing through gorgeously beautiful country; lakes and mountains and green fields and rivers. But the shades of the bus are pulled down. They do not have the slightest idea of what lies beyond the windows of the bus. And all the time of their journey is spent squabbling over who will have the seat of honor in the bus, who will be applauded, who will be well considered. And so they remain till the journey’s end.”
The rest of the book describes how to experience more of the soul feeling of self-fulfillment. It’s the feeling you get when you give to someone or help them without expecting anything in return. This feeling is often described as ‘joy’ and can develop into a lasting sense of fulfillment in life.
2. Our False Beliefs Cause Unhappiness
“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”
It’s not our circumstances that get in the way of happiness, but our beliefs about them. Anthony then explains why they prevent us from experiencing joy in each moment:
“There is not a single moment in your life when you do not have everything you need to be happy. Think of that for a minute. The reason why you are unhappy is because you are focusing on what you do not have rather than on what you have right now.
Another belief: Happiness is in the future. Not true. Right here and now you are happy but you do not know it because your false beliefs and your distorted perceptions have got you caught up in fears, anxieties, attachments, conflicts, guilt and a host of games that you are programmed to play.”
“Another false belief: If all your desires are fulfilled you will be happy. Not true. In fact it is these very desires and attachments that make you tense, frustrated, nervous, insecure and fearful.”
3. Attachment Creates a Rollercoaster of Emotions
“So spend some time seeing each of the things you cling to for what it really is, a nightmare that causes you excitement and pleasure on one hand but also worry, insecurity, tension, anxiety, fear, unhappiness on the other.”
When we’re attached, we get trapped on a rollercoaster of suffering and pleasure. We feel ecstatic when the object of our attachment is close but suffer when they’re far away. That pendulum keeps us trapped in our minds and prevents us from loving fully and seeing others clearly.
4. Free Yourself From Attachment to Love Others Fully
“An attachment isn’t a fact. It is a belief, a fantasy in your head, acquired through programming. If that fantasy did not exist inside your head, you would not be attached. You would love things and persons and you would enjoy them thoroughly but, lacking the belief, you would enjoy them on a nonattachment basis.”
The antidote to these attachments is being present in the moment. It’s a freeing experience when you’re not thinking about the past or future, desires or fears, but giving your full attention to what’s in front of you right now.
5. Change Your Perspective to Appreciate Everything
“The third truth: If you wish to be fully alive you must develop a sense of perspective, Life is infinitely greater than this trifle your heart is attached to and which you have given the power to so upset you. Trifle, yes, because if you live long enough a day will easily come when it will cease to matter.”
Attachment blinds us to the beauty and majesty that surrounds us every day. When we only have eyes for one person, we don’t fully appreciate other people and experiences.
You can’t even love the person you’re attached to because you can’t see them as they are. You only see the imagined version of them that caused your attachment. Now that I’m free of the blinders of attachment, I can love her without judgment or expectations.
“An attachment is a major killer of life. To really hear the symphony you must be sensitively attuned to every instrument in the orchestra. When you take pleasure only in the drum, you cease to hear the symphony because the drum has blotted out the other instruments.”...”But the moment your preference hardens into an attachment, it hardens you to the other sounds, you suddenly undervalue them. And it blinds you to its particular instrument, for you give it a value out of all proportion to its merit.”
Stay tuned for Part 2 next week. In the next post I’ll write about Anthony’s methods to free ourselves from attachment. Then we’re free to live and love fully, without reservation.